‘How has this become a thing?’: Navigating sex after divorce
When Kiz Harvey found herself single at 49 after the dissolution of her 22-year relationship, she was thrust into a world of sex and dating she hadn’t expected to ever have to navigate again. When the now 56-year-old first dated her ex-husband, mobile phones resembled bricks. Fast-forward a few decades, and she found “the sexual landscape had significantly changed”.
In Australia, grey divorce, the term used to describe the dissolution of long-term relationships, typically between those in their 50s, is on the rise. This means an increasing number of divorcees are now dating again, often decades after being out of the game.
Therapist and coach Kiz Harvey wants to open up more conversations about sex and intimacy after divorce.Credit: Flavio Brancaleone
Yet despite grey divorcees comprising a growing demographic, Harvey says there aren’t enough conversations about what it’s like to date in your 50s and beyond. While she found plenty of support for the practical and legal side of divorce itself, she was at a loss on where to go once the papers were signed, and she was ready to move on.
It’s with this in mind that Harvey started Kizmet, a coaching business and podcast series to help others like her. The Eastern Sydney local, who now works as a reinvention coach where she guides other divorcees through their new single lives, broaches typically taboo topics on the podcast, with guests that include a bondage specialist and an adult child of divorce.
While sex and intimacy can often dwindle over the course of a marriage, Harvey says this was not the case for hers, the end of which she was blindsided by.
“We had a good sex life right up until the week that we separated,” she says. “We’d spend weekends away together, sex toys were part of our sexual practices, so we were pretty open with each other.”
‘There is a myth that people don’t have enjoyable sex when they’re getting older. That is definitely not the case.’
Sexologist Naomi Hutchings
Still, she says things were a bit more traditional and there were certain situations she wasn’t prepared for once she started dating again. “Even though I’m open-minded and comfortable with myself,” Harvey says, “there were things that commonly came up in sexual interactions, and I’d ask my friends ‘What? How’s this become a thing?’”
Re-entering the dating scene in her 50s also meant navigating sex in an older body. Things like waning libidos, erectile dysfunction and vaginal dryness brought on by menopause were all things she says she had to address, explicitly or in more subtle ways, with new partners.
“There is a myth that people don’t have enjoyable sex when they’re getting older,” says clinical sexologist Naomi Hutchings. “That is definitely not the case. Some people can feel much more free [because] they’re letting go of old ideas around sex,” she says.
Many people, says Hutchings, can be more confident in their bodies, allowing them to enjoy greater sexual freedom in their post-divorce lives.
For others, she says, the opposite can be the case. “People think, ‘Gosh, when I met my partner I was 18. I hadn’t had children, and now I’ve got stretch marks’.”
Five years on from her separation, Harvey is very forthcoming about the nuances of sex and intimacy in 2024. But she says it took a while for her to build up the self-confidence to start dating again. In the months and years following her divorce, Harvey focused on self-care, establishing a meditation practice and exercising.
Harvey says dating post-divorce has brought with it a newfound sense of freedom.Credit: Flavio Brancaleone
“Those small shifts really lay the foundation for a much bigger shift, which is where I’m sitting now years down the track,” she says.
Given the trauma of divorce, one might ask why one would want to return to the dating world at all. For Harvey, it’s simply about a “profound human need for companionship and love”. She references the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which found close relationships are crucial for a long and happy life.
“The study found that the quality of relationships at age 50 better predicted health and happiness at age 80 than cholesterol levels,” she says.
“Strong relationships help reduce stress and the risk of chronic diseases, while loneliness can be as harmful as smoking or obesity”
Despite the challenges, Harvey says dating after divorce has brought with it a sense of freedom, in part because she’s not looking to remarry or have kids, as many are when they’re younger.
“My kids aren’t at home, so I can pretty much be wherever I want to be, with whomever I like. I’m very fortunate and have a lot of sexual freedom as well as emotional, spiritual and physical freedom.”
Having been a pillar of support to family throughout her life, both growing up with a mother who was often sick and later as a wife and mother, Harvey says this is the first time in her life where she’s been the “main character”.
“It’s been a really significant shift, and I feel like I’m now supporting myself in the way that I used to support others.”
Despite prioritising her own needs, Harvey still encounters gendered expectations around her role in a relationship.
“I’ve dated guys who were successful financially, and you go to their homes and there’s a black Ikea bed with either no linen or brown sheets. Guys don’t have any way to navigate this, especially if their wife was the homemaker,” she says. “Research has shown that women over 50 prefer to have a companion, but not a live-in relationship. And men are the opposite.”
While she thinks these gender roles are more fluid among younger generations, she feels as though they’re still upheld by most people in her generation.
“[But] I’ve set good boundaries around having to care for somebody else. I’m not really prepared to do that, and I’m certainly not a passenger in somebody else’s life.”
What are some of the unique challenges older divorcees might face in the dating world? Hutchings says she commonly works with such clients on things like ethical online dating and how to deal with feelings of being overwhelmed that can come from wrangling dozens of matches.
“People will come to me and say, ‘Oh my gosh, I swiped on someone and within two seconds, they sent me a dick pic’. So I talk to them about setting boundaries and explain that just because someone sent a photo doesn’t mean you have to send one back.”
She says many clients also have deeply ingrained rules around dating, like waiting until the third date to have sex.
“I think they’re really unhelpful because everybody’s different. So I encourage them to check in with themselves, and also be clear with people their dating on whether they’re looking for a relationship or just want to have fun.”
Harvey’s two adult children feature on her podcast, where they discuss the emotional fallout from the divorce and her foray into the dating world.
“There are so many families I see where the parents have never spoken to their kids about the divorce, and they’re blindsided by a new partner.”
Harvey says this new chapter has significantly changed the relationship she has with her kids, who are also dating at the moment. Her daughter, Gabi, often offers advice on dating apps and texting.
“We’re openly talking about our experiences, but we also have boundaries,” says Harvey.
“I don’t talk about my specific sexual experiences, but for instance, I have done a course in Shibari, and I have ropes in the house, so that’s a conversation I’m able to have with them.”
And the advice goes both ways. “It also allows my kids and their friends to be able to come to me and ask, what’s appropriate or not appropriate where something’s happened to them that’s confronting.”
While Hutchings agrees there are certain idiosyncrasies to dating over 50, she also says there are some very human experiences in the dating world that transcend age.
“When I’m talking to people about dating, the same stuff comes up. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Whether it’s people being anxious before a date, worrying about their body, talking about navigating safe sex, physical safety or things like ghosting. There are many commonalities”
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