Opinion
What makes for a good husband? It’s the small things
Kate Halfpenny
Regular columnistRichard Hammond, thank you. On Top Gear you weren’t my speed – that was James, with his thing of saying “acquired” instead of “bought”, and not in a pretentious way – but look at you, popping up with a sage insight into what makes a good husband.
At a time when almost half of Australian marriages end in divorce, has a TV presenter given us an answer to the million-dollar question?
There’s a simple way for men to get in the good books with their partners. Credit: iStock
As a husband for 22 years, Richard has skin in the game. He reckons men can keep marriages healthy by taking an interest in ... the weekly shop. By having forensic knowledge of what’s in the fridge at all times.
Paying attention to “the small things” trumps grand flourishes: “It’s not the big family holidays or 21st birthday parties or treating yourself to a night in a hotel,” Hammond says.
“It’s going to the supermarket. Stay connected at that level. Know what’s in the fridge, know what cleaning products you use in the house.”
Richard Hammond Credit:
Thoughts, ladies, or anyone with a husband? Or boyfriend. (We’re only talking men today, although I’d love to discuss great wives/girlfriends when I seize control of the whole paper and have space to give it proper oxygen.)
For mine, Richard is on the right tram, and not just because my husband is an end-of-days stockpiler of dishwasher tablets.
Women are excruciatingly familiar with the “mental load” – the endless to-do list of managing child care, menu planning, cleaning – of relationships.
In Australia, females spend four hours and 30 minutes a day doing unpaid work activities, over an hour more than blokes, according to a 2022 ABS study.
So, you can take this to the bank: husbands could make themselves super-hot if they relied less on the Zamel’s Christmas stocking catalogue and more on stocking up on the Jif all year round.
If they noticed stuff. If they knew without being told the Vegemite is at the scraping stage, that we need laundry powder and those toilet discs and chocolate ice-cream.
I share a car home from an event with motoring journo Elise Elliott. We hash over Richard’s theory.
Like him, Elise – who’s married to 3AW’s Tom Elliott – says a good husband isn’t paralysed by indecision without instructions from the good lady wife.
“It’s about them having initiative. Being autonomous. Knowing when we move into winter uniform, whether we have gluten-free bread.” Tom any good at that? “He’s brilliant on some levels. Getting better on others.”
At the gym, my workout pal Sheridan does a little laugh when asked what makes a good husband. She’s been married for 25 years.
“Separate bedrooms, of course. He gives me space. And he humours my grumpy, bossy, menopausal side without ever being condescending.”
Are the qualities we want in a husband now different to what we looked for when we were younger, my mate Vee wonders. Yep, for sure.
I loved that my first husband looked terrific in an Arnold Ross V-neck, had tall genes and fizzing energy that matched mine when it came to work, home, family.
Second time around, I was done empire building. I needed someone who loved dogs, was ace at talking footy and doing word puzzles, and would go along with a “Columbo Meets Sexy Bad Dame” scenario when required.
Kindness comes into it, especially to old ladies. It topped the list of a 2019 study which asked 68,000 people in 180 countries what women look for in a partner. Looks were important, but not as much as personality traits like supportiveness and intelligence.
“This is the human brain unconsciously prioritising what matters,” said lead researcher Virginia J. Vitzthum. “Intrinsic goodness and shared values, these are what drive real romance.”
One girlfriend thinks that’s all a bit midday movie: “A good husband is macho, handsome, slightly chauvinistic. Has a big chicken noodle.”
My mate Mia steps that back a bit. “It’s somebody with complementary skills to yours. Somebody who can tell you really respectfully to cool your jets. Can make a good margarita. And I still think someone who can take out the bins is a bonus.”
Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.
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